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Crazy Crying Trans Grrl

by Izzy and the Chimera

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Puppy
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Puppy This album is so real. Thanks for the radical vulnerability!

(I love all the songs, but especially appreciate the optimistic ending.) Favorite track: Roots.
avael
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avael Relatable and while the lyrics are mildly depressing they always help me get to a better place. Even if you're not trans, this album is still an emotional rollercoaster and worth at least a listen. Favorite track: Crazy Crying Trans Grrl.
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1.
This song’s about a crazy girl Who cries herself to sleep at night Cuz she hates her body Hates her mind And wants to die most of the time She has so many lovely friends Who'd be sad if her life would end So soon So far before its time So I'll stay alive for them Cuz that crazy crying trans grrl Is who I really am I'm not pretty I'm not happy My life's a fucking joke You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave You are the only thing that gives me hope So I'll get a bunch of hormone pills And take a million at once Die in a blaze of estrogen as my liver combusts from all The dreams I fear I'll never see Become blissful reality I need this I need this more than words can say So I'll stay alive for them Cuz that crazy crying trans grrl Is who I really am I'm not pretty I'm not happy My life's a fucking joke You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave You are the only thing that gives me hope And so I'll stay alive for the girl I know that I can be She deserves a chance To see this world Even though all I see right now Is hopelessness and a way out But even when I'm having doubts I know the sun will always rise And I'll be here smiling so wide That my face might break and I'll realize How gorgeous this world could be If I let myself believe So I'll stay alive for them Cuz that crazy crying trans grrl Is who I really am I'm not pretty I'm not happy My life's a fucking joke You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave You are the only thing that gives me hope
2.
When I find myself a home I’m gonna sleep for a whole week and dream that my bed is a tree and the roots grow around me and cover my whole body keep me safe and at peace and I will never ever leave no I will never ever leave at least that’s what I hope that’s what I want for myself but I know it's not too likely given my mental health cuz I always have nightmares I cry and scream and bleed so I will never ever dream no I will never ever dream and so I lie awake at night restless in my bed or on somebody’s couch wherever I can lay my head cuz if I stay awake they can’t hurt me or make me weep so I will never ever sleep no I will never ever sleep and now I’ve found myself a home and so I’ll sleep for a whole week with my friends all around me loving me in my whole being we’ve found our sanctuary we’ll be safe and at peace and we will never ever leave no we will never ever leave No we will never ever leave No we will never ever leave
3.
The first time someone called me 'queer' I didn't know what it meant and so I looked it up in the dictionary and I took it as a compliment, whoa-oh I took it as a compliment it said 'strange, odd or unusual' and I thought to myself, why would anyone ever wanna be wanna be anything else? whoa-oh wanna be anything else? whoa-oh-oh the first time I put on a dress I should've known my life would be a mess cuz I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw just a little less, whoa-oh just a little bit less Baby I was just fourteen I wish someone had told me then I didn't have to feel like a failed man I didn't have to feel like a failed plan. Whoa-oh-oh Whoa-oh and I'll stop being 'queer' the day you stop saying it's not OK for people to act a certain way because of their anatomy whoa-oh because of the shape of their bodies maybe I wouldn't have to feel maybe I wouldn't have to feel maybe I wouldn't have to feel like a failed man wouldn't have to feel like a failed plan Whoa-oh-oh Whoa-oh
4.
Sunshine 02:01
Sun rises over downtown There’s so much on my mind You’re all strangers to me and yet you’ve been so kind It makes me think that maybe The aching in my soul Could be soothed by friendship I might someday be whole But I don’t think I’m worthy To feel the sunshine But I feel myself growing Towards the sunshine And even when the sky Is filled with rain In some small place in my heart The sunshine still remains You’ve let me into your lives You know my stories, I know yours Try to tell mine calmly But in my head I’m screaming myself hoarse And though I’m scared You’ll leave me before long That fear is gone for just a moment In the light of dawn And I don’t think I’m worthy To feel the sunshine But I feel myself growing Towards the sunshine And even when the sky Is filled with rain In some small place in my heart The sunshine still remains
5.
I want your voice to get out of my head And I sometimes wish you’d just drop dead If I can’t have closure, at least I can be Satisfied knowing you’re gone You want to say you love me now Too fucking late, I won’t back down You’ve lost the right to care for me And all I want is to move on Don’t say you’re sorry I won’t forgive you Don’t say you’re sorry After what I’ve been through Don’t say you’re sorry I’m not your little girl to break no more Don’t say you’re sorry I’m trying to heal now Don’t say you’re sorry I’ll make myself proud I’m not worried I’m not your little girl to break no more I want your face out of my mind Don’t dare say you’ve always been kind To me, cuz we both know You’re lying through your teeth I’ll have you know I’ll be ok I swear I’m better off this way And I’ll thrive just to show You how strong I can be Don’t say you’re sorry I won’t forgive you Don’t say you’re sorry After what I’ve been through Don’t say you’re sorry I’m not your little girl to break no more Don’t say you’re sorry I’m trying to heal now Don’t say you’re sorry I’ll make myself proud I’m not worried I’m not your little girl to break no more
6.
Messy 03:12
7.
Cheap champagne in your cup at eleven AM once again that’s just the kind of night it’s been I’ve been up too late crying all night long and you you’re not sure what you’ve done wrong But look into my eyes and say I’ll be ok I’ll hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be alright The rain pours down and washes all my tears away worries gone like champagne bubbles in the morning light I’m scared to go out alone I’m scared to be myself and it’s been damaging my health Don’t want to go outside I’d rather stay in and hide and it's been hurting my pride But look into my eyes and say I’ll be ok I’ll hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be alright The rain pours down and washes all my tears away worries gone like champagne bubbles in the morning light I’m a failure and a dropout and a monster and a freak I love my voice when I get to sing but I hate it when I speak I love you so goddamn much That I just can’t find the proper words but you’re gone and I’m still here and I’m so fucking alone Please don’t leave me my dear I can’t stand to lose friends but I will They’ll keep leaving right up til the end Don’t want to let people close For fear they’ll hurt me again or worse that I might hurt them But look into my eyes and say I’ll be ok I’ll hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be alright The rain pours down and washes all my tears away worries gone like champagne bubbles in the morning light I’m a failure and a dropout and a monster and a freak I love my voice when I get to sing but I hate it when I speak I love you so goddamn much That I just can’t find the proper words but you’re gone and I’m still here and I feel so fucking alone
8.
Roots 02:32
Please excuse my inexperience I’m not really quite sure what I’m doing yet But I know that I like this experience And I don’t want it to be over yet I’m sorry I can’t quite look you in the eye right now I promise that it isn’t to spite you But you see right through me to my core And I’m warmed by the fire inside of you You make me feel like I could put down roots And grow here You make me feel like I could call this place A home You make me feel like I could put down roots And grow my dear I didn’t know I didn’t have to be alone I need a drink I feel delirious I can’t really believe this is happening But I can tell that you’re dead serious Your touch puts an end to my questioning You ask me if I’m doing ok Cuz I’m shaking and my pulse is thundering I smile and tell you that I’m fucking fantastic For now, at least, I’ve finished my wandering You make me feel like I could put down roots And grow here You make me feel like I could call this place A home You make me feel like I could put down roots And grow my dear I didn’t know I didn’t have to be alone You make me feel like I could put down roots And grow here I’ve never had a sense of purpose Never had a place to call my own You make me feel like I could put down roots And grow my dear And now I know I don’t have to be alone

about

I wrote the first couple songs for this album last year while I was still homeless, and the rest were written after moving into a new place, and all the problems I hadn't been able to deal with while couch-surfing reared their ugly heads. It was written over the course of several relationships, some surprising revelations, and a hell of a lot of personal growth and change. I think the songs reflect that.

Thank you to my grandfather for passing down to me his love of music and drive to make the world a kinder, safer place. And, of course, thank you to all of my friends. As always, you are the reason I keep making music.

This album is dedicated to the memory of Howard Carl Weiss.

credits

released September 6, 2016

All songs written by Izabella Weiss except “Failed Man” written by Emily Ayden

Izzy: Vocals, guitar, banjo

Recorded at The Aerie House in Portland, Oregon

Album art by Danielle Lee Pearce

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Izzy and the Chimera Portland, Oregon

DIY folk-pop made by a disabled Jewish nonbinary trans girl in Portland, Oregon.

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