I Won't Run

by Izzy and the Chimera

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about

I wrote this album during what I feel like was the end of a chapter of my life. These songs are about finally facing the things you've been running from. They're about beginning the process of healing after years of trauma, and finally finding the drive to move forward with your life rather than simply surviving.

Thanks: to Aubrey, for making this album sound amazing; to Vern, Armeline, Catherine, Dani, Jade, Mira, and Moss for your feedback on these songs as I was writing them, and for being my friends through some really tough times; to Prairie and Irene for letting me take the cover photo in their bedroom, and for being phenomenal friends, good luck to y'all in New Orleans; to my parents, for never giving up on me; and to my grandmother, Harriet Weiss, may her memory be a blessing.

credits

released March 23, 2017

All songs written by Izabella Unger-Weiss.

Izzy: Vocals, guitar, banjo, mandolin

Recorded at The Aerie House in Portland, OR, and mixed & mastered by Aubrey Beta Schaefer

Album art by Izabella Unger-Weiss & Danielle Lee Pearce

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about

Izzy and the Chimera Portland, Oregon

DIY folk-pop made by a disabled Jewish nonbinary trans girl in Portland, Oregon.

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Track Name: No One's Listening
A long night
Surrounded by people you love
And you don’t know
Yeah you don’t know how to stop feeling alone

The moonlight
And the air filled with cigarette smoke
And you don’t know
Yeah you don’t know if you can do this anymore

You used to feel like
No one understood
And even though some do these days
It doesn’t feel like you thought it would

And now you’re laughing at
A joke that someone told
But you can’t shake the feeling that
You’re always gonna be on your own
On your own

You’re just a lonely girl
In a sweat-stained skirt
In the corner of the room
Picking out the dirt

From underneath her fingernails
She tries so hard but to no avail
It always feels like no one’s listening
It always feels like no one’s listening

A cheap drink
On a porch in a rickety chair
And you can’t tell
Yeah you can’t tell what you’re supposed to do

Some old friends
People you haven’t seen for a year
And you can’t tell
Yeah you can’t tell exactly what they think of you

You used to think that everybody
Thought you were a piece of shit
And even though you know they don’t
You just can’t seem to let go of it

And now you’re asking
If you can have some more to smoke
And as the fire fills your lungs
You can’t help but wish you’d choke
Wish you’d choke

You’re just a lonely girl
With a sweat-stained skirt
In the corner of the room
Picking out the dirt

From underneath her fingernails
She tries so hard but to no avail
It always feels like no one’s listening
It always feels like no one’s listening
Track Name: All I Want
All I really want
Is just to live a peaceful life
And not be waiting for
The next disaster to strike

A little peace of mind
Some basic comfort I’ll be fine
As long as there’s some payoff
To the bullshit that we go through in this life

The ways we’ve all been broken
Cast out or turned into tokens
Dropped into a slot machine
Cuz “nothing in this world is free”

It’s all part of a fucked up game
We’re all unique we’re all the same
And all I want is for someone
To take my hand and say my name and say

Everything
Is gonna be ok
Your fight is over
Good times are here to stay

Everyone deserves that
Every person one and all
And no one should have to earn it but
I’m still gonna go back to school this fall
Track Name: So What (Grow Up)
I’ve reached a place
Where I think it’s safe to assume
That the universe has plans for me
Cuz no matter what I do

When I tried to end it all
Or destroy my health
It never worked, like it was telling me
It wanted to kill me itself

I think that there’s a plan
For how I’m gonna die
It says “I’m not telling you an end-date
But don’t you dare waste all this time that I’m giving you”

So it doesn’t matter
What life decides to bring
I’ll face the trouble head-on
Even when I want to sing that

Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough
Sometimes but so what
The universe has plans for me
And maybe now it’s time that I grew up

I might be wrong
But who really gives a shit
No matter what I might believe
The world will just get on with it

So I might as well believe in
Something that keeps me sane
Or my best approximation
That’s the best that I can do these days

Sometimes I feel like giving up
Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough
Sometimes but so what
The universe has plans for me
And maybe now it’s time that I grew up
Track Name: The Best Part
The best part of sleeping alone
Is staying up til 4 am
Scrolling through your phone

Because you don’t have to worry
About the person next to you
Getting enough sleep to do the things they have to do tomorrow

You feel like
An inconvenience to
Everyone you love
You feel like
You’re gonna fuck things up
Like it’s written in the stars above

You know that
You’re always gonna feel that way
No matter if it’s true
And that’s why
No one wants to share their life
And no one wants to share their bed with you

The best part of being alone
Is that your feelings don’t hurt anyone
Not anyone important anyway

You know you’re somebody that it’s easy to hate because
You’re sad even when you shouldn’t be
A no one can relate to you

You feel like
An inconvenience
A burden to the ones you care about
You feel like
You’re always fuck things up
So hold it in, don’t scream and don’t you shout

You know that
You’re always gonna feel this way
No matter if it’s true
And that’s why
No one wants to share their bed
And no one wants to share their life with you
Track Name: Irreparable
Things never seem to go the way you want
As you wander through the streets you used to haunt
When they’re after you and it’s all down to the wire
You travel north, you cleanse your soul with fire

And you promise to give up your lying ways
That you needed to survive those darker days
And you do your best to say just how you feel
But you’re still never certain what is real

And I feel broken and irreparable
My past feels so inseparable
From the person I am trying to become

I feel like I just can’t escape
All I want is to fly away
But I promised that I wasn’t gonna run

It seems like every bit of progress that you make
Something comes along to try and take
So every time you think you’re doing fine
You know it’ll all be over in due time

But you understand that’s just the way it goes
Good and bad, it all just ebbs and flows
So keep moving on, keep your head up when you can
And remember how far you are from where you began

Well the present seems unmanageable
The past is so intangible
And the future comes no matter what I do

But I do my best I won’t give up
When darkness overflows my cup
I’ll look the Devil right in the eyes and I’ll tell him thank you
Track Name: Starlight & Gasoline (Spider Love)
Usually my blood it feels like gasoline
And with the smallest little spark
You could set my heart ablaze

But tonight my love the moon is full
And instead of fuel it feels
Like their is starlight in my veins

Well I don’t know where this is going
And I don’t know how it ends
And even if you break my heart
And never make amends

I’m happy just to be alive
And see this gorgeous night
And I’ve got this funny feeling
Everything will be alright
Oh yes darling I think that we’ll be alright

And maybe later when the sun is in the sky
My heart will still be beating silver
Like it did that lovely night

And though I still feel so combustible
It feels less like a threat
My fire doesn’t need to burn up everything in sight

Well I can’t promise I won’t hurt you
And I’ll never make you weep
I try not to make promises
I know that I can’t keep

But I promise that I’ll do my best
I promise that I’ll try
I’ll do everything I can
To keep this light of ours alive
Oh yes I’ll do my best to keep this light alive

Well I don’t know where this is going
And I don’t know how it ends
And even if you break my heart
And never make amends

I’m happy just to be alive
And see this gorgeous night
And I’ve got this funny feeling
Everything will be alright
Oh yes darling I think that we’ll be alright
Track Name: Together (Lonely Animals)
Been feeling like the weather
Doesn’t match the patch of sky inside my heart
That sometimes shines with sun
Or disappears before I fall apart

I’m craving gloomy skies
Chilling air and lullabies
And dancing in your living room
And praying that the rain comes soon

I know it’s just a feeling
But feelings are all I’ve got
That separates me from the daunting
Emptiness inside my thoughts

My memories feel hollow
And my footsteps feel untrue
The future’s all I have right now
And I want to spend it with you

Just look at us, we’re lonely animals
Huddled underneath the stone
Together with our discontent
Complaining ‘bout the government

We don’t have to be alone
Together we can fill this hole
Together underneath the stone
Together we will build our home

I feel like being jaded
Is a thing you have to earn through years of strife
If you stay dedicated
You too can be fed up with your life

Too young to be this cynical
When everything’s so magical
There’s so much beauty left to see
Can’t let the pressure get to me

I know it’s just a feeling
But a feeling’s just a thought
And though it might be fleeting
Right now it’s all that I’ve got

My heartbeat is erratic
And I still haven’t come down
I don’t know where I am
But at least I’m here with you right now

Just look at us, we’re lonely animals
Huddled underneath the stone
Together with our discontent
Complaining ‘bout the government

We don’t have to be alone
Together we can fill this hole
Together underneath the stone
Together we will build our home
Track Name: I Won't Run
I’ve always had a warped perspective about love
But I’ve loved you since the first time that we kissed
and it really fucks me up
Because the last time that I fell in love this fast
It didn’t last oh no It really didn’t last

And I could see myself with you in 20 years
If I thought I’d live that long
Yeah I could see myself with you in 20 years
But the voices in my head all start singing the same song

They’re singing
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
You’ll only disappoint her
Like you do to everyone

You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
So quick before you hurt her
Girl you’d better start to run
But I won't run

I spent most of yesterday inside your room
Being stoned out of my mind and playing games
And trying not to cry
Cuz I'm a bit over-emotional these days
But you held my as I cried into your chest
And you didn't run away

And I don't think that I deserve a love like that
Cuz I'm broken and I don't know how to change
Yeah I don't think that I deserve a love like that
And the voices in my head will be happy to explain

They tell me
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
You’ll only disappoint her
Like you do to everyone

You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
So quick before you hurt her
Girl you’d better start to run
But I won't run

Maybe someday I'll believe it when you say
I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy
But not right now
I've barely started to undo the damage done
But I've learned that when I'm scared I don't always have to run

And your love’s started to feel like home to me
Like I belong here lying next to you
Yeah your love’s started to feel like home to me
But the voices in my head are there no matter what I do

Telling me
You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
You’ll only disappoint her
Like you do to everyone

You’re not good enough
You’re not good enough
So quick before you hurt her
Girl you’d better start to run
But I won't run

I’ve always had a warped perspective about love
But I loved you
Track Name: Trying To Move On
There’s a girl I know who said
She always wakes up feeling worthless
Like she’s got no way to heal
Or that she might never get through this

I can definitely commiserate
And empathize my friend
We can be sisters in anxiety
Together til the end

Because I've been there before
And I'm still there today and I'll still be there tomorrow
With no coping mechanism
Except to wallow in my sorrow

You tell me that I'm wrong
You tell me that this too will pass
Well it's hard to be excited for the future
When the present won't stop kicking your ass

But I’ve realized some things about myself
That I could probably work on
So I beg you please believe me when I tell you that I’m trying
Yes I’m trying to move on

And it doesn’t matter who she is
It’s allegorical you see
Cuz someday that girl might be you
And today that girl’s probably me

And so I write words of encouragement
And put them in my songs
So when I have a shitty day
I can play them and sing along

And remember how far I’ve come
From where I was a year ago
And life still sucks some of the time
But it’s getting easier to let it go

You tell me that I’m wrong
When I tell you that this too will pass
I know it’s hard to be excited for the future
When the present won’t stop kicking your ass

But everyone’s got things about themself
That they could probably work on
And so know that I’ll believe you when you tell me that you’re trying
Yes you’re trying to move on