Crazy Crying Trans Grrl

by Izzy and the Chimera

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Puppy
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Puppy This album is so real. Thanks for the radical vulnerability!

(I love all the songs, but especially appreciate the optimistic ending.) Favorite track: Roots.
avael
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avael Relatable and while the lyrics are mildly depressing they always help me get to a better place. Even if you're not trans, this album is still an emotional rollercoaster and worth at least a listen. Favorite track: Crazy Crying Trans Grrl.
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about

I wrote the first couple songs for this album last year while I was still homeless, and the rest were written after moving into a new place, and all the problems I hadn't been able to deal with while couch-surfing reared their ugly heads. It was written over the course of several relationships, some surprising revelations, and a hell of a lot of personal growth and change. I think the songs reflect that.

Thank you to my grandfather for passing down to me his love of music and drive to make the world a kinder, safer place. And, of course, thank you to all of my friends. As always, you are the reason I keep making music.

This album is dedicated to the memory of Howard Carl Weiss.

credits

released September 6, 2016

All songs written by Izabella Unger-Weiss except “Failed Man” written by Moony Marrow

Izzy: Vocals, guitar, banjo

Recorded at The Aerie House in Portland, Oregon

Album art by Danielle Lee Pearce

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about

Izzy and the Chimera Portland, Oregon

DIY folk-pop made by a disabled Jewish nonbinary trans girl in Portland, Oregon.

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Track Name: Crazy Crying Trans Grrl
This song’s about a crazy girl
Who cries herself to sleep at night
Cuz she hates her body
Hates her mind
And wants to die most of the time

She has so many lovely friends
Who'd be sad if her life would end
So soon
So far before its time

So I'll stay alive for them
Cuz that crazy crying trans grrl
Is who I really am
I'm not pretty I'm not happy
My life's a fucking joke
You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave
You are the only thing that gives me hope

So I'll get a bunch of hormone pills
And take a million at once
Die in a blaze of estrogen
as my liver combusts from all

The dreams I fear I'll never see
Become blissful reality
I need this
I need this more than words can say

So I'll stay alive for them
Cuz that crazy crying trans grrl
Is who I really am
I'm not pretty I'm not happy
My life's a fucking joke
You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave
You are the only thing that gives me hope

And so I'll stay alive for the girl
I know that I can be
She deserves a chance
To see this world
Even though all I see right now

Is hopelessness and a way out
But even when I'm having doubts
I know the sun will always rise
And I'll be here smiling so wide
That my face might break and I'll realize
How gorgeous this world could be
If I let myself believe

So I'll stay alive for them
Cuz that crazy crying trans grrl
Is who I really am
I'm not pretty I'm not happy
My life's a fucking joke

You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave
You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave
You are the only one that can give me the happiness I crave
You are the only thing that gives me hope
Track Name: Sanctuary (Never Ever)
When I find myself a home
I’m gonna sleep for a whole week
and dream that my bed is a tree
and the roots grow around me

and cover my whole body
keep me safe and at peace
and I will never ever leave
no I will never ever leave

at least that’s what I hope
that’s what I want for myself
but I know it's not too likely
given my mental health

cuz I always have nightmares
I cry and scream and bleed
so I will never ever dream
no I will never ever dream

and so I lie awake at night
restless in my bed
or on somebody’s couch
wherever I can lay my head

cuz if I stay awake
they can’t hurt me or make me weep
so I will never ever sleep
no I will never ever sleep

and now I’ve found myself a home
and so I’ll sleep for a whole week
with my friends all around me
loving me in my whole being

we’ve found our sanctuary
we’ll be safe and at peace
and we will never ever leave
no we will never ever leave

No we will never ever leave
No we will never ever leave
Track Name: Failed Man (Moony the Micher Cover)
The first time someone called me 'queer'
I didn't know what it meant
and so I looked it up in the dictionary
and I took it as a compliment, whoa-oh
I took it as a compliment

it said 'strange, odd or unusual'
and I thought to myself,
why would anyone ever wanna be
wanna be anything else? whoa-oh
wanna be anything else?

whoa-oh-oh

the first time I put on a dress
I should've known my life would be a mess
cuz I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw
just a little less, whoa-oh just a little bit less

Baby I was just fourteen I wish someone had told me then
I didn't have to feel like a failed man
I didn't have to feel like a failed plan.
Whoa-oh-oh
Whoa-oh

and I'll stop being 'queer' the day
you stop saying it's not OK
for people to act a certain way
because of their anatomy whoa-oh
because of the shape of their bodies

maybe I wouldn't have to feel
maybe I wouldn't have to feel
maybe I wouldn't have to feel like a failed man
wouldn't have to feel like a failed plan
Whoa-oh-oh
Whoa-oh
Track Name: Sunshine
Sun rises over downtown
There’s so much on my mind
You’re all strangers to me
and yet you’ve been so kind

It makes me think that maybe
The aching in my soul
Could be soothed by friendship
I might someday be whole

But I don’t think I’m worthy
To feel the sunshine
But I feel myself growing
Towards the sunshine

And even when the sky
Is filled with rain
In some small place in my heart
The sunshine still remains

You’ve let me into your lives
You know my stories, I know yours
Try to tell mine calmly
But in my head I’m screaming myself hoarse

And though I’m scared
You’ll leave me before long
That fear is gone for just a moment
In the light of dawn

And I don’t think I’m worthy
To feel the sunshine
But I feel myself growing
Towards the sunshine

And even when the sky
Is filled with rain
In some small place in my heart
The sunshine still remains
Track Name: Don't Say Yr Sorry
I want your voice to get out of my head
And I sometimes wish you’d just drop dead
If I can’t have closure, at least I can be
Satisfied knowing you’re gone

You want to say you love me now
Too fucking late, I won’t back down
You’ve lost the right to care for me
And all I want is to move on

Don’t say you’re sorry
I won’t forgive you
Don’t say you’re sorry
After what I’ve been through

Don’t say you’re sorry
I’m not your little girl to break no more

Don’t say you’re sorry
I’m trying to heal now
Don’t say you’re sorry
I’ll make myself proud

I’m not worried
I’m not your little girl to break no more

I want your face out of my mind
Don’t dare say you’ve always been kind
To me, cuz we both know
You’re lying through your teeth

I’ll have you know I’ll be ok
I swear I’m better off this way
And I’ll thrive just to show
You how strong I can be

Don’t say you’re sorry
I won’t forgive you
Don’t say you’re sorry
After what I’ve been through

Don’t say you’re sorry
I’m not your little girl to break no more

Don’t say you’re sorry
I’m trying to heal now
Don’t say you’re sorry
I’ll make myself proud

I’m not worried
I’m not your little girl to break no more
Track Name: Troubled Thoughts (Champagne Worries)
Cheap champagne in your cup
at eleven AM
once again
that’s just the kind of night it’s been

I’ve been up too late
crying all night long
and you
you’re not sure what you’ve done wrong

But look into my eyes and say I’ll be ok
I’ll hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be alright
The rain pours down and washes all my tears away
worries gone like champagne bubbles in the morning light

I’m scared to go out alone
I’m scared to be myself
and it’s
been damaging my health

Don’t want to go outside
I’d rather stay in and hide
and it's
been hurting my pride

But look into my eyes and say I’ll be ok
I’ll hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be alright
The rain pours down and washes all my tears away
worries gone like champagne bubbles in the morning light

I’m a failure and a dropout
and a monster and a freak
I love my voice when I get to sing
but I hate it when I speak

I love you so goddamn much
That I just can’t find the proper words
but you’re gone and I’m still here
and I’m so fucking alone

Please don’t leave me my dear
I can’t stand to lose friends
but I will
They’ll keep leaving right up til the end

Don’t want to let people close
For fear they’ll hurt me again
or worse
that I might hurt them

But look into my eyes and say I’ll be ok
I’ll hold your hand and tell you that you’ll be alright
The rain pours down and washes all my tears away
worries gone like champagne bubbles in the morning light

I’m a failure and a dropout
and a monster and a freak
I love my voice when I get to sing
but I hate it when I speak

I love you so goddamn much
That I just can’t find the proper words
but you’re gone and I’m still here
and I feel so fucking alone
Track Name: Roots
Please excuse my inexperience
I’m not really quite sure what I’m doing yet
But I know that I like this experience
And I don’t want it to be over yet

I’m sorry I can’t quite look you in the eye right now
I promise that it isn’t to spite you
But you see right through me to my core
And I’m warmed by the fire inside of you

You make me feel like I could put down roots
And grow here
You make me feel like I could call this place
A home
You make me feel like I could put down roots
And grow my dear
I didn’t know I didn’t have to be alone

I need a drink I feel delirious
I can’t really believe this is happening
But I can tell that you’re dead serious
Your touch puts an end to my questioning

You ask me if I’m doing ok
Cuz I’m shaking and my pulse is thundering
I smile and tell you that I’m fucking fantastic
For now, at least, I’ve finished my wandering

You make me feel like I could put down roots
And grow here
You make me feel like I could call this place
A home
You make me feel like I could put down roots
And grow my dear
I didn’t know I didn’t have to be alone

You make me feel like I could put down roots
And grow here
I’ve never had a sense of purpose
Never had a place to call my own
You make me feel like I could put down roots
And grow my dear
And now I know I don’t have to be alone