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I Won't Run

by Izzy and the Chimera

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1.
A long night Surrounded by people you love And you don’t know Yeah you don’t know how to stop feeling alone The moonlight And the air filled with cigarette smoke And you don’t know Yeah you don’t know if you can do this anymore You used to feel like No one understood And even though some do these days It doesn’t feel like you thought it would And now you’re laughing at A joke that someone told But you can’t shake the feeling that You’re always gonna be on your own On your own You’re just a lonely girl In a sweat-stained skirt In the corner of the room Picking out the dirt From underneath her fingernails She tries so hard but to no avail It always feels like no one’s listening It always feels like no one’s listening A cheap drink On a porch in a rickety chair And you can’t tell Yeah you can’t tell what you’re supposed to do Some old friends People you haven’t seen for a year And you can’t tell Yeah you can’t tell exactly what they think of you You used to think that everybody Thought you were a piece of shit And even though you know they don’t You just can’t seem to let go of it And now you’re asking If you can have some more to smoke And as the fire fills your lungs You can’t help but wish you’d choke Wish you’d choke You’re just a lonely girl With a sweat-stained skirt In the corner of the room Picking out the dirt From underneath her fingernails She tries so hard but to no avail It always feels like no one’s listening It always feels like no one’s listening
2.
All I Want 01:24
All I really want Is just to live a peaceful life And not be waiting for The next disaster to strike A little peace of mind Some basic comfort I’ll be fine As long as there’s some payoff To the bullshit that we go through in this life The ways we’ve all been broken Cast out or turned into tokens Dropped into a slot machine Cuz “nothing in this world is free” It’s all part of a fucked up game We’re all unique we’re all the same And all I want is for someone To take my hand and say my name and say Everything Is gonna be ok Your fight is over Good times are here to stay Everyone deserves that Every person one and all And no one should have to earn it but I’m still gonna go back to school this fall
3.
I’ve reached a place Where I think it’s safe to assume That the universe has plans for me Cuz no matter what I do When I tried to end it all Or destroy my health It never worked, like it was telling me It wanted to kill me itself I think that there’s a plan For how I’m gonna die It says “I’m not telling you an end-date But don’t you dare waste all this time that I’m giving you” So it doesn’t matter What life decides to bring I’ll face the trouble head-on Even when I want to sing that Sometimes I feel like giving up Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough Sometimes but so what The universe has plans for me And maybe now it’s time that I grew up I might be wrong But who really gives a shit No matter what I might believe The world will just get on with it So I might as well believe in Something that keeps me sane Or my best approximation That’s the best that I can do these days Sometimes I feel like giving up Sometimes I feel like I’m not enough Sometimes but so what The universe has plans for me And maybe now it’s time that I grew up
4.
The best part of sleeping alone Is staying up til 4 am Scrolling through your phone Because you don’t have to worry About the person next to you Getting enough sleep to do the things they have to do tomorrow You feel like An inconvenience to Everyone you love You feel like You’re gonna fuck things up Like it’s written in the stars above You know that You’re always gonna feel that way No matter if it’s true And that’s why No one wants to share their life And no one wants to share their bed with you The best part of being alone Is that your feelings don’t hurt anyone Not anyone important anyway You know you’re somebody that it’s easy to hate because You’re sad even when you shouldn’t be A no one can relate to you You feel like An inconvenience A burden to the ones you care about You feel like You always fuck things up So hold it in, don’t scream and don’t you shout You know that You’re always gonna feel this way No matter if it’s true And that’s why No one wants to share their bed And no one wants to share their life with you
5.
Irreparable 03:53
Things never seem to go the way you want As you wander through the streets you used to haunt When they’re after you and it’s all down to the wire You travel north, you cleanse your soul with fire And you promise to give up your lying ways That you needed to survive those darker days And you do your best to say just how you feel But you’re still never certain what is real And I feel broken and irreparable My past feels so inseparable From the person I am trying to become I feel like I just can’t escape All I want is to fly away But I promised that I wasn’t gonna run It seems like every bit of progress that you make Something comes along to try and take So every time you think you’re doing fine You know it’ll all be over in due time But you understand that’s just the way it goes Good and bad, it all just ebbs and flows So keep moving on, keep your head up when you can And remember how far you are from where you began Well the present seems unmanageable The past is so intangible And the future comes no matter what I do But I do my best I won’t give up When darkness overflows my cup I’ll look the Devil right in the eyes and I’ll tell him thank you
6.
Usually my blood it feels like gasoline And with the smallest little spark You could set my heart ablaze But tonight my love the moon is full And instead of fuel it feels Like their is starlight in my veins Well I don’t know where this is going And I don’t know how it ends And even if you break my heart And never make amends I’m happy just to be alive And see this gorgeous night And I’ve got this funny feeling Everything will be alright Oh yes darling I think that we’ll be alright And maybe later when the sun is in the sky My heart will still be beating silver Like it did that lovely night And though I still feel so combustible It feels less like a threat My fire doesn’t need to burn up everything in sight Well I can’t promise I won’t hurt you And I’ll never make you weep I try not to make promises I know that I can’t keep But I promise that I’ll do my best I promise that I’ll try I’ll do everything I can To keep this light of ours alive Oh yes I’ll do my best to keep this light alive Well I don’t know where this is going And I don’t know how it ends And even if you break my heart And never make amends I’m happy just to be alive And see this gorgeous night And I’ve got this funny feeling Everything will be alright Oh yes darling I think that we’ll be alright
7.
Been feeling like the weather Doesn’t match the patch of sky inside my heart That sometimes shines with sun Or disappears before I fall apart I’m craving gloomy skies Chilling air and lullabies And dancing in your living room And praying that the rain comes soon I know it’s just a feeling But feelings are all I’ve got That separates me from the daunting Emptiness inside my thoughts My memories feel hollow And my footsteps feel untrue The future’s all I have right now And I want to spend it with you Just look at us, we’re lonely animals Huddled underneath the stone Together with our discontent Complaining ‘bout the government We don’t have to be alone Together we can fill this hole Together underneath the stone Together we will build our home I feel like being jaded Is a thing you have to earn through years of strife If you stay dedicated You too can be fed up with your life Too young to be this cynical When everything’s so magical There’s so much beauty left to see Can’t let the pressure get to me I know it’s just a feeling But a feeling’s just a thought And though it might be fleeting Right now it’s all that I’ve got My heartbeat is erratic And I still haven’t come down I don’t know where I am But at least I’m here with you right now Just look at us, we’re lonely animals Huddled underneath the stone Together with our discontent Complaining ‘bout the government We don’t have to be alone Together we can fill this hole Together underneath the stone Together we will build our home
8.
I Won't Run 04:30
I’ve always had a warped perspective about love But I’ve loved you since the first time that we kissed and it really fucks me up Because the last time that I fell in love this fast It didn’t last oh no It really didn’t last And I could see myself with you in 20 years If I thought I’d live that long Yeah I could see myself with you in 20 years But the voices in my head all start singing the same song They’re singing You’re not good enough You’re not good enough You’ll only disappoint her Like you do to everyone You’re not good enough You’re not good enough So quick before you hurt her Girl you’d better start to run But I won't run I spent most of yesterday inside your room Being stoned out of my mind and playing games And trying not to cry Cuz I'm a bit over-emotional these days But you held my as I cried into your chest And you didn't run away And I don't think that I deserve a love like that Cuz I'm broken and I don't know how to change Yeah I don't think that I deserve a love like that And the voices in my head will be happy to explain They tell me You’re not good enough You’re not good enough You’ll only disappoint her Like you do to everyone You’re not good enough You’re not good enough So quick before you hurt her Girl you’d better start to run But I won't run Maybe someday I'll believe it when you say I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy But not right now I've barely started to undo the damage done But I've learned that when I'm scared I don't always have to run And your love’s started to feel like home to me Like I belong here lying next to you Yeah your love’s started to feel like home to me But the voices in my head are there no matter what I do Telling me You’re not good enough You’re not good enough You’ll only disappoint her Like you do to everyone You’re not good enough You’re not good enough So quick before you hurt her Girl you’d better start to run But I won't run I’ve always had a warped perspective about love But I loved you
9.
There’s a girl I know who said She always wakes up feeling worthless Like she’s got no way to heal Or that she might never get through this I can definitely commiserate And empathize my friend We can be sisters in anxiety Together til the end Because I've been there before And I'm still there today and I'll still be there tomorrow With no coping mechanism Except to wallow in my sorrow You tell me that I'm wrong You tell me that this too will pass Well it's hard to be excited for the future When the present won't stop kicking your ass But I’ve realized some things about myself That I could probably work on So I beg you please believe me when I tell you that I’m trying Yes I’m trying to move on And it doesn’t matter who she is It’s allegorical you see Cuz someday that girl might be you And today that girl’s probably me And so I write words of encouragement And put them in my songs So when I have a shitty day I can play them and sing along And remember how far I’ve come From where I was a year ago And life still sucks some of the time But it’s getting easier to let it go You tell me that I’m wrong When I tell you that this too will pass I know it’s hard to be excited for the future When the present won’t stop kicking your ass But everyone’s got things about themself That they could probably work on And so know that I’ll believe you when you tell me that you’re trying Yes you’re trying to move on

about

I wrote this album during what I feel like was the end of a chapter of my life. These songs are about finally facing the things you've been running from. They're about beginning the process of healing after years of trauma, and finally finding the drive to move forward with your life rather than simply surviving.

Thanks: to Aubrey, for making this album sound amazing; to Vern, Armeline, Catherine, Dani, Jade, Mira, and Moss for your feedback on these songs as I was writing them, and for being my friends through some really tough times; to Prairie and Irene for letting me take the cover photo in their bedroom, and for being phenomenal friends, good luck to y'all in New Orleans; to my parents, for never giving up on me; and to my grandmother, Harriet Weiss, may her memory be a blessing.

credits

released March 23, 2017

All songs written by Izabella Weiss.

Izzy: Vocals, guitar, banjo, mandolin

Recorded at The Aerie House in Portland, OR, and mixed & mastered by Aubrey Beta Schaefer

Album art by Izabella Weiss & Danielle Lee Pearce

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Izzy and the Chimera Portland, Oregon

DIY folk-pop made by a disabled Jewish nonbinary trans girl in Portland, Oregon.

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